You can’t make a choice about how to respond unless there is a moment of awareness between stimulus and reaction. Deliberate personal change requires making different choices than you usually do, and different choices require awareness.

For example, if I instinctively back down from confrontation without self-awareness that I’m doing that, I can’t choose a different response next time.

Many blind spots are so wired into our brains, only outside feedback will make us aware of them. Sometimes this is feedback from physical reality. (“Every time I talk to this person I get a headache.”) More often it’s a credible person telling us what they see. (“I think you’re avoiding a direct conversation with that person without even realizing it.” or sometimes not so subtle “That was pretty weird how you responded there.”)

We need other people to help us see the truth about ourselves. Friends, mentors, therapists are all valuable sources of that feedback.

Get around people who give you honest feedback. Listen and learn about yourself, and use that awareness to pause and make choices. This is a major mechanism of personal change.

Growth is a continuous process, but sometimes it’s more visible that others. Construction is one of those times. Here’s a shot of a new warehouse going up at my companies’ main location. This warehouse is the last step in a three-phase renovation and construction process giving ATS much-needed room to grow.

One of the most exciting parts — this entire facilities expansion process has been managed not by me, but by an employee who’s skilled in the area of construction management. When I delegated that to him I had no idea what a full-time job it would be. I couldn’t have done it myself.

Twice recently I struggled too long to make a major decision. One involved a difficult HR situation, the other involved a significant financial decision. I went over and over the options logically in my head. I considered my advisers’ points of view. I thought about what the other people involved wanted. I thought about what my dad would say.

I realized I was going in circles, ruling out every option because I didn’t like something about it, and I knew somebody else wouldn’t like it.

I was being a pinball, letting myself be bounced from one obstacle to the next and settling nowhere. Pinballs don’t make choices, they just react to whatever pushes them.

Stating the obvious: that’s not leadership.

Here’s the thought process that helped me get a grip:

• I am being a pinball, and that’s not how I want to lead.
• I will be the decider in this situation. It is my place and I will take it.
• This is not a no-brainer situation. All options have downsides. I am willing to choose something less than ideal.
• My choice will be criticized by people around me. Those critics might even turn out to be right. I am willing to take those risks. I will still be the decider.

From there I moved on to normal strategic thinking about options, outcomes, and obstacles. I decided, and I like the results.

Choose from the options you have, not the options you wish you had. Include the options that will get you criticized. Be a decider.