You can’t make a choice about how to respond unless there is a moment of awareness between stimulus and reaction. Deliberate personal change requires making different choices than you usually do, and different choices require awareness.

For example, if I instinctively back down from confrontation without self-awareness that I’m doing that, I can’t choose a different response next time.

Many blind spots are so wired into our brains, only outside feedback will make us aware of them. Sometimes this is feedback from physical reality. (“Every time I talk to this person I get a headache.”) More often it’s a credible person telling us what they see. (“I think you’re avoiding a direct conversation with that person without even realizing it.” or sometimes not so subtle “That was pretty weird how you responded there.”)

We need other people to help us see the truth about ourselves. Friends, mentors, therapists are all valuable sources of that feedback.

Get around people who give you honest feedback. Listen and learn about yourself, and use that awareness to pause and make choices. This is a major mechanism of personal change.