Upon becoming aware of an extreme tendency on any personal attribute, some of us may feel compelled to change, to moderate ourselves to a more average position.

If you discover you are quite sensitive, you may desire to become tougher. If you discover you are insensitive, you may desire to become less tough.

If you discover you are a little ADD, you may desire to become more structured. If you discover you are a little OCD, you may desire to loosen up. The same can apply to drivenness vs relaxation, caution vs boldness, spontaneity vs stability, you name it.

Don’t beat yourself up about leaning one way or the other. Don’t strive to eliminate your extremes. Growth is not moving toward medium, normal, or average. It’s flexibility.

A football team with a tilt toward a strong running game doesn’t need to feel bad about running or start running less enthusiastically. They need to add the flexibility to pass well, then choose the play that fits the situation. They are best served when everything from the one-yard run to the hail mary pass is an available choice.

By comparison, having the flexibility to respond in an extremely sensitive way at some times, and an extremely tough way at other times makes a better leader than someone who can only do one or the other. The flexible leader beats both extremes and the middle.

You don’t need to abandon your extremes. You may want to expand your flexibility.

How? It’s a process of knowing and facing the fears you experience when you venture out of the part of the range that is most comfortable for you.

What does it take for a family to move from poverty to independence and security? Why does well-intentioned aide often do more harm than good? How can those of us with the means and desire to help be most effective?

I’ve been seeking answers to questions like these from study, conversations, and travel over the last few years. There are no easy answers. Economics, entrepreneurialism, and capital – things I know about – are involved. Things I know a lot less about like mindsets, family systems, even corruption, are involved too.

As I’ve learned more I’ve increased my intentionality about getting involved. I believe our generation has great opportunity for impact in this area. I see momentum building in awareness, generosity, and desire to be informed and effective.

In about a week I’ll be in Haiti to continue learning. I’ll be interacting with the leaders of Paulos Group and seeing their work firsthand. Not only are they innovative thinkers in this area, they are putting thought to action in a research-oriented, non-charity housing project.

I’m privileged to have connections and conversations with some amazing people working in this field. I’m looking forward to much more.

I just read “See me as a person…”, a book about the importance of authentic human connection in effective medical care. I’m convinced human connection is of great value in all areas of life and business, not just caregiving professions.

Connection comes from being present and intentionally attentive to another person — wondering, listening, valuing. I know a few people who are exceptional at this. It makes them remarkable, memorable and in-demand. Their rare level of connection forms the core of their success and influence. People are drawn to them. People are changed by those moments of connection.

I think most of us know how to tune in to another person and connect well. Sometimes we do connect well with the people around us, often we don’t. Why?

Filtering: We are interested in connecting with certain types of people more than others, and miss the opportunities for meaningful connection with many who don’t fit our favorite, most appealing, categories.

Hurry: We focus on the next task and don’t pause to make eye contact and ask a genuine question.

Fear: If we stop to connect we might be rejected, criticized, or ignored. This is the big one.

A leader who embraces opportunities for meaningful connection gains information, influence, and fulfillment of his/her own human needs. This shouldn’t be a rare thing. I want a lot more of it.

A lottery ticket can provide it’s owner with a fantasy of becoming rich. A story can provide it’s reader with a fantasy of becoming powerful, or important, or loved. A real-life hero can provide her admirers with a fantasy of becoming what she is.

Fantasies can be a useful source of motivation, planning, and advance decision-making. A vision is a fantasy with a plausible plan for getting there.

Action-less focus on a fantasy diverts time and energy away from productive action. Such escapism appeals to us because it avoids the conflicts, especially our own deep fears, we must face to make our fantasies come true.

Leaders of organizations, and leaders of their own lives, are those who abandon escapist fantasies and engage in a process of confronting those conflicts.

Given enough time, anyone willing to face conflict can make real any fantasy that doesn’t violate the laws of physics or the laws of the land.

Because time is our strictest limitation, it makes sense to start right away.

Give your customers an attentive conversation before you ask them to do anything for you.

Give your followers hundreds of quality blog posts before you ask them to buy your book.

Give your enemy a message of good will, don’t wait for him to make the first move.

Give your customers a truly valuable product before you expect them to make you successful.

Give your co-workers respect before you expect it from them.

Give your spouse the caring he or she needs before you ask for what you want.

Give your employees a great place to work before you ask them to treat your customers like royalty.

The world is eager to give back to those who are generous and trusting enough to be the first giver.